Introspection: When Your Best Efforts Aren't Enough

 

Life at most times (even in its greatest moments) is reasonably and unassailably unfair. I believe beyond that sentence no more may even be needed. In a most neurotic way I sometimes believe ALF (the 1986 sitcom) had it cornered when he said, "Life's a drag, then you die", capturing some of life's darker moments and challenges.

I bet of all the billions of people in our world, almost all (if not all) would have some story to tell about how life's been unfair to them. And, so I guess, here's mine.

Lately, I've been more frustrated that usual as I have started an at-home brain stimulation therapy that came to be only through my own researching of it, and despite that, for the second time I'm not seeing or feeling improvements to my situation. A bit of backstory: I had a traumatic brain injury when I was young that has left me in young adulthood with a debilitating anxiety, phantom sensations, ect.

Tonight I did my 26th session of a HDtDCS montage meanwhile my dad skipped because he was feeling tired. I feel ticked off that for all my efforts, like doing it still even if I'm dead tired, trying to eat healthy even though for me it's more of a struggle with the sensory issues, exercising (that is also more difficult due to the same issues mentioned), and spending almost one hundred dollars on face cleaning products to counteract the still ever-present acne from the hormones caused by my brain issues, there never seems to be any kind of improvement.

I never get a choice. Or I do, and it usually goes along the lines of "survive" or "get drowned out by your problems till you wish you were dead", it doesn't leave much room for anything but feeling entrapped.  And when I hear someone close to me say, "Naw, I'll do it tomorrow, I'm too tired now", I become envious that he has that choice. He can put it off till tomorrow, and he's seeing results and is getting better. I can't put it off till tomorrow and I don't feel any better or see any changes.

It's the feeling of doing all the "right" things, doing the "optional" things that will also help, and swimming with the current instead of against. But really, in the end, I find out I'm just a fool that the things I do right don't change anything, that no matter how smart or strategic I am it doesn't seem to ever change the outcome.  

Much like talents and hidden skills, life for some in differing areas will come much easier to some than to others. Others (like quite a few) have to learn things the hard way, to try and to fail repeatedly. This is also apparent in many aspects of life: Family, Friends, Careers, Romance, Marriage, Illness, and many more. I will also say that in no way am I saying it should be used as a cop-out excuse (although some use it that way) as to why they don't seem to be moving or doing things with their life.

So why is it important for us to continue despite life's drawbacks and unfairness? To persevere when "in the fire"? Next blog post I will try my best to answer that.